For a very long time I have known that I wanted to write a book, not a book about the effects of, or symptoms of abuse but one about the positiveness of recovery and why it is worth hanging on in there.The prospect of doing so has been quite daunting but you have prompted me to begin and follow what I feel is right for me. Last night I made a start. I have jumped with my story to what I feel is the most positive part and where my book may begin.

I would love some feedback on it. It makes perfect sense to me but does it others? Email Yvonne

Becoming Yvonne

Yvonne

She wakes eager to enter the day, a day that holds new possibilities for her, new experiences, new people to meet and engage with. A day of normality which involves going to work indeed enjoying work, a day of taking care of her three children with their schooling and after school clubs. A day of taking care of herself, of loving the person she is and embracing the challenges she will meet. A day of congratulations as she realises that every day is a blessing to her. Value is placed on every day that lies ahead. Earthly years place her at nearly thirty seven and yet she is only nine and a half months old.

Nine and a half months ago Yvonne was born.

On Brean Downs looking out at sea,Yvonne is born, the stillness of the air echo’s the warmth and the beauty of the stillness within. The radiant filters of sunshine illuminate the hope that’s within. The sweetness and the brightness of the music of the birds imprint a vision of the wonder and excitement of the new world ahead. Yvonne is born, she stretches out her limbs not knowing what extra strength they now have within them. She straightens her back and feels the freedom flowing from the shoulders she now lifts with ease. She inhales deeply the air that will support her with all her hopes and dreams for the future and she steps forward knowing that she has the strengths and the abilities to go forth and achieve. Yvonne is not like the infant newborn, she knows how to nurture her self. There are no faltering steps, she proceeds with firm secure steps happily knowing that the footprints she will leave are ones that are going somewhere. Perhaps she does not yet know where but as she looks out to sea she sees that the immense space ahead portrays the beginning of her life and she knows that her life will be what she makes of it. She is secure in the knowledge that she has all that is needed to sketch, draw and paint her own life and not to have others do it for her.

Nine and a half months ago Yvonne was born. The gestation period was long and hard and painful. The birth was spectacular and sacred and necessary that it was done alone. Like a chick that gains strength from breaking its own shell, Yvonne had to enable her birth herself. Many others were involved in keeping the egg warm until it was ready to hatch. She thanks those dear ones greatly.

Nine and a half months ago Anita was released.

On Brean Downs looking out at sea, Anita is released. With the birth of Yvonne, Anita can now after thirty six heavy and exhausting years hand over her physical body. She knows that Yvonne will take better care of it than she did. She regrets the self inflicted cuts and burns she did to it and the time she tried to take life out of it completely. She knows that Yvonne has the freedom that she never had to protect and care for it and she knows that Yvonne values and respects it. She is honoured to have paved the way for Yvonne. Yvonne is a just and deserving person .Anita knows that in Yvonne all her dreams that were so horribly taken from her, the dreams that she only dared to dream of in her make believe garden that she escaped to when bad things happened, in Yvonne these dreams can become true.

Anita is tired and is ready for her release, she has so longed to be free from the pains and the hurt and the redness of her life. Her shoulders ache with everybody’s burdens that she so willingly took upon her. Her mind has been knotted over and over again, the threads of which are so frayed and worn.

Yes Anita is ready to let go, she has sorted her lost memories, she has sorted her coping strategies , she has sorted her misplaced loyalties, she has sorted her wrong belief system out, she has sorted her self esteem out. She has cut the twisted and misguided and brainwashed ties given to her by her family. She recognises abuse for what it is and what it does. Yes Anita is ready to let go.

She looks out to sea, oh the calmness and the openness of it. She closes her eyes and allows herself to drift. Upwards and outwards, out to sea . The sea where all emotions are allowed, the quiet and calm, the vibrant and rolling, look long and deep into the waves, can you see laughter in there? She elegantly leaves with swiftness to the freedom that awaits.

Yvonne is witness to the release of Anita , She quietly whispers the promise to become all that Anita could of become if not for the evil deeds of others. Yvonne feels the pain of loss as she recognises the friend and the qualities of the child that had just been released. Tears roll down her face, warm tears that acknowledge the sacrifice made on her behalf. She recognises the sacrifice of childhood and adolescence in order to block pain, so that the body makes it to adulthood. She loves that child called Anita with all her heart, she wishes that Anita could of seen the beauty within herself and that she could of nurtured herself and not criticised and ridiculed and put herself down so much. Once more she promises to live out all of Anita’s dreams, she dips her head and closes her eyes in tribute to the child who gave so much. She then rises and lives for she owes much to Anita, because of Anita the curtains of life have been thrown open and the world awaits her.

Thank you for reading my account of the 1st February 2003, I will celebrate my first birthday in 2004. Please feel free to contact me. Kind Regards from Yvonne.